[Applause]
Tracy: Thanks for coming out! Thanks for watching!
Love, peace, and hair grease!
Hey, Liz. Me, Lutz, Toofer, and Josh are going to go to that bar
where the waiters are dressed like ninjas.
You in?.
All right.
Donuts and then bed.
What are you depressed about or celebrating?.
[Sighs]
It's this endless adoption process.
It took me three months --
Jenna: Liz.
I am totally humiliated.
How could you cut "Diaper Chicken"?. Wait. I know.
Because Tracy's the star.
Oh, brother. She's feeling neglected.
How's she going to act out this time?.
My ankle! [Moans]
Oh, "Imaginary injury."
I would have said "death of a voice coach."
Her birthday's on Tuesday.
Maybe all that attention will make her ankle feel better.
Liz: Hey. Jack.
What are you still doing here?.
It's Friday night. I need something to do.
Well, don't you have some gallery opening
or a fundraiser to give bow ties to inner city youths?.
Of course.
But I'm committed to Elisa.
While she's away, I'm trying to avoid temptation.
I just need somewhere I can socialize where women aren't an issue.
[Overlapping cheers]
Yeah, Let's go.
Hey, now.
Liz: Excuse me.
Dude, I know you're getting these messages
because I know how to check your voice mail.
You are officially a "D-bag", Tim. I hope you lose your indoor soccer game.
Sorry. What can I get you?.
Pete: A dozen assorted for me to take home to my family.
And the lady will have...
[Gasps]
Liz: Adoption brochure.
Should you be working the night shift alone like this?.
It's fine. They gave me a gun.
[Register beeps]
That's $6.80.
I will have mine to stay, please.
You want a dozen donuts to stay?.
And a skim milk.
What are you doing, Liz?.
Making a new friend.
I don't like that you have crazy-eyes.
Oh, shut up, mouth.
I don' t want to be part of this.
Then, get out of here.
[Ninja growls]
Boy, that creative thing you guys do...
Writing jokes for a living, making the world laugh.
What do your dads...
tell their friends you do?.
Surgeon.
Optometrist.
Died.
I never really knew my dad, so...
I just lie to myself.
Space assassin.
I grew up without a father too, Frank.
Good old Billy Donaghy left when I was two.
He'd... show up every now and then to impregnate my mom...
punch out umpires at my Little League...
Last time I saw my dad, he went out to get the candles for my fourth birthday lasagna...
...and never came back.
My whole life I said I was gonna be something.
Restore the glory...
...of the Rossitano name.
In Sicilian dialect, it means "well poisoner."
In Gaelic, Donaghy means "dung basket."
So I worked my ass off at SUNY, got in to Fordham Law...
No.
You went to law school?.
Yeah.
But I had to drop out after a semester
because my mom got sick.
Mothers.
So wha t are we doing next, fel lows?. Don' t tel I me we're cal ling i t a nigh t already.
How lame do you think we are?.
The night is young! We're going to Lutz's to watch movies.
Tonight, a classic.
Harry and the Hendersons. You in, Jack?.
Uh, yes. But I don't want to go to Lutz's apartment.
His contract is up, and I don't want to feel sorry for him.
What do you say we go to my place?.
- Yeah. - Sounds good.
And when I told Tim I was pregnant, he just freaked out
and didn't call me for a week.
Then, he texted me, and he was like, "Oh, I love you.
...No, I'm mad at you. You did this on purpose." As if!
Meanwhile, his MyFace page still says "status: horny."
And I'm like, "If you care about me at all,
at least have the decency to "skype" me face to face.
Man. There are just so many different devices
for guys to not call you on now.
When I was your age, you could just be like,
"Oh, he probably tried to call me, but my line was busy."
And then just...
...watch Falcon Crest and cry yourself to sleep.
Thanks for listening to me blab.
So what's your plan...
when the baby comes?.
I don't know... [Sighs]
I've been talking to an adoption lady,
but I just don't feel comfortable with any of the people.
They all just seemed really old and weird.
Not one of them even knew who Ne-Yo is.
??? I need you... [mumble] ???
Finally! Thank you! Somebody cool, for once.
[Laughs]
Get out of here!
Can't you see we don't want you anymore?
Why can't you go back where you came from?
And leave us alone!
[Sasquatch purrs]
[Wimpers]
Go.
Go!
[Wimper]
Goodbye, my friend.
[Sasquatch groans]
He had to be mean to save him.
Harry belonged in the woods.
It gets me every time.
This reminds me of my favorite movie.
Shane.
Oh! When Joey wants to go with Shane...
and Shane makes him stay.
Maybe it's because we didn't have fathers.
Maybe that's why we're drawn to movies
where the father figure pushes away the child/legendary North American forest ape.
Yeah, but... in the movies, it's a good thing.
Harry went back to the woods.
It works out in real life too. We're both doing all right.
Yeah.
[Snores]
[Groans]
[Knocking] Kenneth: Excuse me, Mr. Jordan.
I was just updating my staff birthday list,
and I discovered I don't have yours.
That's because I don't have a birthday, Ken.
What?.
I don't have a birth certificate because I was born inside of Yankee Stadium.
Oh, but even prisoners have birthday parties.
I saw one on Oz.
It was...
interesting.
And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.
Oh, but birthdays aren't about presents.
They're about being surrounded by people who love you
and eating a cake with your name on it
and making a wish.
I'm sad you've never had that.
My birthday's September 21st.
Not that anyone asked.
Jack: Hi, Frank. - Oh. Hey, Jack.
This morning it hit me in the shower why the Hendersons named their guest "Harry."
Yeah.
That film has layers.
I was also thinking about what you told me about your family
and law school.
Yeah, sorry. I was drunk. I shouldn't have told you that stuff.
No, no, no. I'm glad you did. We have a lot in common.
We both have recurring dreams about being overpowered by a female bodybuilder.
Okay.
We were both drunk.
But I want to help you.
So I made some phone calls,
and if you want, you can resume your law studies
at Columbia.
This semester.
Full scholarship.
No strings attached.
Are you serious?.
Make your mother proud, Frank.
Make your father hate any new children he might have.
But... [Laughs]
I... I've got a whole other life now.
I guess.
But we both know you shouldn't be working at a desk with...
... fake vomit on it.
Right.
Fake.
Excuse me.
Oh, God. Please don't be a daughter I didn't know about.
Becca!
[Sighs]
Oh. Congratulations.
Pete: What is she doing here?.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you're in charge of all of this.
Welcome.
Um... So, do you want me to start Youth Consulting now?.
Because kids would not be into that.
Kenneth, this is the dress I'll be wearing to my birthday party.
Please make sure no one else plans to wear the same thing.
Yes, ma'am.
Did you know Mr. Jordan has never had a birthday party?.
Oh! That's horrible.
My heart goes out to all the inner city kids.
Especially those too fat to dance their way out.
I'm glad you feel that way. Because we have this big party planned for you.
I know!
And we thought you could share it with Mr. Jordan!
Isn't that a great idea?.
That's so great! [Laughs]
I can't believe Tim hasn't called.
I guess I don't even care about us... anymore.
But this is his baby.
I mean, him not even being there for the kid is totally washed.
Typical Tim.
Becca: Anyway... [sighs]
I guess I have two choices.
Go back home, try to get back with Tim, and keep the baby, or...
give up the baby and focus on my music.
So... Tim, keep baby. Music, give up baby.
Can I play you one of my songs?.
??? Now, we are joined... ???
??? in a cobweb of rainbows... ???
Stop.
Tears.
The world needs to hear your music.
??? [Guitar strums] ???
You have crossed a line, Liz Lemon.
Becca's never going to make it with those songs.
Says who?. Being terrible has never prevented success in the music business.
Look at Biz Markie or The Doors.
Look, before we were happily married with five kids,
Paula and I were Tim and Becca. And I can tell you right now,
she is confused and he is terrified.
So did I.
Five times. But I came back.
And when my caveman brain saw those babies...
with their little Hornberger foreheads...
... it clicked. You've got to give Tim and Becca the same chance.
[Sighs]
Hey. What are you doing?.
My pregnant teen message board says the baby gets all its food from the mother.
So, you have to give it stuff it likes.
No, the baby can't taste anything. It just gets nutrients from you.
[Sighs] I'm going to post a reply to Juno 32
and tell her she's a giant ass wipe.
[Laughs]
I can't believe you don't have kids.
What's that?.
Well, you'd make such a great mom.
You're smart, successful, grounded...
Oh... Go on.
You already dress like a mom.
... And stop.
It's not the right time for me to have a family, but...
is that something you'd want?.
Yeah, Becca. It is.
Will you sing with me, Liz?.
??? Mothers and fathers... and jugglers and judges... ???
??? Now, we are joined in a cobweb of rainbows... ???
He's coming! The plan is working!
I bit my tongue!
Surprise!
[Overlapping cheers]
[Gasps] What a schmo, entering first.
Now, I'm the headliner, and he's just the warm-up act.
I'm Mr. Don Rickles and he's just me.
But I don't have a birthday.
You do now.
Because we all love you and wanted you to feel this joy.
I do feel it.
You are all so amazing.
And to think I was just calling y'all a bunch of racists.
Aw... [Laughter and applause]
Stop... [Inhales]
Jenna time.
Friends.
I am leaving T.G.S. for Columbia Law School
to pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer.
[Applause]
Did you know that if you sing "Happy Birthday" on a TV show, you have to pay for it?.
I did not know that.
??? Hap... ???
Cerie: Hey!
My dad got us all seats for Opening Day
at the new Yankee Stadium!
[Cheers]
[Applause]
Cerie! Cerie! Cerie!
Oh. Ow.
Cerie! Cerie!
No one ask me about my back brace.
Kenneth: Make a wish, Mr. Jordan. Blow out the candles.
[Applause]
[Cheer] Cerie, Frank, and Tracy!
No one ask about my back brace!
Cerie, Frank, and Tracy!
[Applause]
Hey, Jack.
Frank. Is that you?.
I decided to take you up on your offer.
Good man! And you went to my tailor.
My mom is going nuts. She's insisting you come over
and let her cook you dinner.
Home cooked Italian?. I'm there.
Now, let me hear you say the seven most important words
in the American Judicial System.
My client...
has no memory of that.
I also would have accepted, "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."
Okay.
What's the matter, Mr. Jordan?.
You were right, Ken. Birthdays are special.
And now, mine is over. And who knows when February 24th will come again?.
Now, that warm, happy feeling is gone,
there's no cake in my mouth, and that birthday wish is malarkey.
Malarkey!
Come on, Daniel!
I am so proud of you.
A lawyer!
Someday, you'll have an ad on the subway in English and Spanish.
Yeah.
And this man. What you have done for my boy...
Frankie.
Go open up some more wine.
You got it, Ma.
What do you think you're doing to my boy?.
I'm trying to help him.
I see myself in Frank.
We both have fathers that abandoned us --
What do you know about his father?.
You want Frank to be a lawyer so he won't be like his father?.
His father was a lawyer! And his father's father!
All the Rossitano men are lawyers. It's in their blood to be lawyers!
Then, what's the prob --
For the mob!
What?.
Frankie's father didn't abandon him.
He's in hiding in Phoenix.
Every Rossitano man is either in hiding or six feet under.
You want me to paint you a picture?.
Because I did.
It's part of a therapy through painting thing.
I had no idea.
Well, you should have guessed.
I don't think I should have.
Whatever.
I am not going to take my kid's dream away from him.
You made this mess. You clean it up.
I don't care how.
But Francis Rossitano cannot become a lawyer.
Cerie: Yeah. Hold on a second.
Liz. Do you know a Tim?
What?. Why?.
Security says that there's a Tim Baker downstairs.
Here?. He came here?. That's Becca's ex-boyfriend.
He's coming to steal my baby.
[Elevator chimes]
[Sighs] Don't even ask about the wheelchair.
Okay.
[Sighs] Also, my old vocal coach died!
[Elevator chimes] Come on, come on...
Lemon, are you okay?.
That pregnant girl?. She was going to give me her baby.
But now, the dad is here. He's going to ruin everything.
What are you about to do?.
I'm the one who's been there for Becca. For almost two days!
Lemon...
There was once a great American named George Henderson.
He met a woodland ape, or Sasquatch,
who, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend.
But when the time came to do the hard thing
and send it back into the forest where it belonged...
and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle...
George Henderson summoned the strength, and, by God, he did it.
Did it hurt?. You bet it hurt.
Like a bastard.
But he did it because it was the right thing to do.
For the woodland ape.
You think about that.
- What?. [Elevator chimes]
Is that Harry and the Hendersons?.
You've seen it?.
This is my life, Jack.
Oh my! Miss Maroney, are you okay?.
Well, I think I'll be okay in time for tomorrow's show.
But then, I have to go in for more tests.
I'm so brave.
Oh. I wish you felt better
so you could help us figure out what Mr. Jordan's birthday wish could have been.
What?. Why?.
So we can make it come true,
and his birthday can go on and on.
We've narrowed it down to...
own a RoboCop,
hunt that elephant that paints,
or breakfast in bed.
But it wasn't his birthday!
It was my birthday! Oh, forget it.
I'm tired of making you people try to care for me.
You don't care for me, clearly.
Nobody does.
My birthday wish came true!
I wished for you to get better.
I was going to wish for breakfast in bed with RoboCop
while that elephant paints us.
We were close.
But then, I saw you with that back brace on right before I blew out my candles.
It's a birthday miracle!
Tracy, that's the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me!
[Laughs]
Now, let's make Miss Maroney's birthday wish come true!
Oh, that's so sweet.
But who would I celebrate with if y'all were in a car accident?.
[Laughter]
[Elevator chimes]
I'm her friend. Jenna.
And she does not want to see you. She's very mad,
and she wants you to leave.
Okay. That's, uh...
That's for the best. Yeah.
Excuse me.
Uh... What floor is the Sci-Fi Channel on?.
Ugh! Fine, Lithgow! I'll do the right thing.
God!
I guess someone's been watching The World According to Garp.
Damn it. Tim, wait.
No, when you said she didn't want to see me, it was such a relief.
This baby thing is freaking me out.
Do you know how many people want what just got dropped in your lap?.
"Oh, now is not a good time. I want to go to Burning Man." Shut up, Tim!
Do you love Becca?.
She's like my soul mate. I mean...
You're not listening, dummy!
And get married and have disposable cameras at the wedding
because it's fun and people like it.
Where are we going?. I already cleaned out my office.
You've got to go.
No. I'm going to be a lawyer.
I'm going to be like you.
Get out of here!
Go to the writers' room! There is no scholarship!
Can't you see we don't want you anymore?.
[Elevator chimes]
Jack! I don't understand.
Goodbye, my friend.
Hey, baby.
My God. Look at your boobs.
Kiss or something. Go on.
??? The rainbows and the cobwebs and the cobwebs and the rainbows... ???
And stop.
I guess, in a way...
we both... Iost children today.
Yeah, but mine was real, Jack. Yours was Frank.
Don't worry, Lemon. I'm confident that someday,
you'll have...
everything you want.
Can someone please tell me how to get out of this building?.
It's like a maze!
I keep walking past the same... Sbarro's!
[Laughs] Yeah.
Lithgow: I'm a celebrity! Please!
Jack: Sad.